Initial Assessment.

On the 18th (today is the 20th) I had an initial assessment to try and see how the NHS can help with my mental health. I don't quite understand the point of it, considering I spoke to s guy for 40 minutes then he said I'd hear from him in a few days.

Honestly, I didn't like it. He was pushing me to talk about my mental health which I know is what I was there to do and what I need to do to get help but it was such an intimidating place that I was just on edge the whole time, they thought if they added greenery everywhere it would defer from the fact that I was being judged.

Hopefully I get used to it.

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Where have you been?

So I've been gone for over a month.

A lot has happened in my life in this past month and it means that I haven't had time to sit down and write about how I am feeling and what I want to get off of my chest. Luckily I have still been writing in my journal so I haven't been bottling everything up, but through it all, it has meant that this space of mine has been neglected.

I won't bore you with the details of what has happened, but long story short I have lost many friends who I thought I would never lose and now don't really have anyone who I can turn to. I'm getting through it but it's made my anxiety and depression come back like a brick wall.

On a positive note, I got the appointment through for my initial assessment, so hopefully, I am going to get some help towards my mental health which will make me feel like I am being taken seriously rather than attention seeking which it has all felt like in the past.

I'll keep you updated.

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Bullet Journaling.

I have decided to take up bullet journaling.

I feel like how I can help improve my life is if I get some form of organisation throughout it. With this, I also want to explore my creative side as since it stands now, it is non-existent. So, combining the two, I am going to try bullet journaling.

I am hoping to achieve the creative side by trying to make it look nice and appealing, as well as using that to motivate me to continue with the journal. I am also hoping that it can keep my life organised and help me not to forget things which need to be done as well as dates. I am hoping to keep my finances on top of myself as well by using the journal to track how I spend money.

I'll keep you guys updated.

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Always hurting people.

I have realised today that I always hurt people. It is one of them things that I can't control about myself. I have tried to change it many times over my 18 years here but I can't. I can remember thinking this from primary school, there would be times were my friends would do something and I would have two options, and pick the one which I know would be worst. I still do it to this day.

There are times from when this happen that I know that I am choosing the worst option; and that is exactly what is happening now. I'm in a situation where I know what I am choosing is the worst thing and I know how to solve it but I can't. I don't even know why but I can't choose the right option.

Lets hope I figure out how to do the right thing in my life before it is too late.

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A Bad Night.

Today is Wednesday, and on Monday I had a bad night. During Monday night, I wrote a small note on my phone which I am going to write on here so 1. I can delete it off my phone and 2. still have it as a memory to look back on.

"I'm out of tears. I'm out of blood. I'm done with people. Just as I think I'm getting along again it all fucks up and I'm back at square one. My head can't take it anymore my thighs can't take it anymore I don't know what I am meant to do I can't trust anyone in my life I can;t conform to anyone in my life I don't know what to do anymore other than die as that's my only way out."

I know the grammar and everything is wrong but I typed this in a rush during panicking and that was the last of my concern; so sorry about that.

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Suddenly cutting ties and leaving someone.

I have had a friend leave me yesterday which was unexpected.

I have learnt through this that I easily connect and put my trust in people. Even though we were not as close as we had been, it is still hard to know that someone you once cared for dearly doesn't want to know you anymore.

From this short period of time, I have a few tips on how to cut ties with someone which I might find useful in the future to look back on.
1. Block them on everything.
With social media being a large part of many of our lives in this age, it is important that you make sure you block them on every social media platform you have has well as delete their number etc. Even though this is super hard to do, it will stop you snooping at 2am when you just want them back.

2. Put everything that reminds you of them in the bin/a box.
The best thing to do is to throw everything that reminds you of them away, to stop you having to think about them everytime you look in a certain place. However, I have learnt that seems impossible for me to do. So, I have put their stuff in a box out of sight, so I know that I have it all still and when I am stronger I will throw it away as another progress step.

3. Stop thinking about them.
This is by far the hardest step out of them all. It has to be done though. No matter if you burn all of their stuff and block them everywhere, you cannot stop your brain functioning by thinking about them as that is what you have been doing for however long. Every time they come to mind you need to block it out and think of something else, distract yourself in any way possible and make sure you actually do. You know it is best deep down.

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Hospitals.

I spent a morning in hospital, and it was terrifying.

Going straight in the deep end, I recently tried to overdose. This lead to me spending from 2am to 10am in hospital having tests to see if I'd took enough to damage me.

I was alone from 2am to 7am when my friend had finally woke up and saw my messages and joined me. It was terrifying. For someone with anxiety so bad at this moment in time I can barely leave my room, so to be sat in hospital with people going everywhere was very triggering. Everywhere I turned there were people and due to the time all of my friends were asleep but one; who was out clubbing so they wasn't really in the best state of mind to help me due to their intoxication.

I don't know why I done it. I think at the time I thought it would make my life easier. Going through would mean no more pain for not just me but also my friends who have to spend most nights with me to help me sleep, hence as no one is with me this is being written at 03:59am.

I had to speak to a psychiatrist and a load of different doctors who all wanted to know why. Some genuinely, some just being nosy. This wasn't something that I liked, surely they knew why I was in so I didn't want to have to keep repeating myself as it made me feel worse about the situation. I hope this has helped remind me to stay out of peoples business unless they want me in it.

I hope I really do get better.

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